The secret

I had a friend ask me earlier today how Drex and I have managed to stay together so long, and still maintain a strong relationship. (Obviously we aren't always happy but overall we are.) I've had a lot of boyfriends....(oh confessions) and I've liked most of them quite a lot, so i wouldn't say it's because I like Drex the best, (I do obviously but I think there's more to it than that).

So, anyways, this question got me thinking. I mean we all want to know how to make relationships last and flourish for as long as possible right? I can pin point two things that I believe have helped us last so long.

1.) We don't do awkward.

-I remember at the very beginning of our relationship we told each other we "don't do awkward". A lot of people find it weird and shocking that Drex and I can talk about bathroom habits or fart in front of each other but it all goes back to not being awkward around each other. It means we can share things that some may deem inappropriate, or even have awkward conversations, but we get over it and just move on. It's been extremely helpful. Who knew adding a little bathroom talk could make your relationship awesome?! :P

2.) No secrets.

-I think this is the biggest thing. We tell each other everything. We're brutally honest with each other, and though it may cause arguments or hurt feelings, it makes us stronger.

Obviously, I'm no relationship expert, but hey I'm just babbling on, but that's what blogging is for...right?

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Stomach flu. I woke up puking at 8:30 in the morning and that continued throughout the day. I literally didn't leave the house at all. Oh well, we all need a sick day :)

DAY TWELVE-Something you never get compliments on.

My arms.

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I've written about Nitro, but not a lot about his growth.

He is four months old, five months on November 8th. He weighs 26 lbs and has had all of his vaccinations. Including his puppy rabies. He won't need another shot until he's about a year. His coat is growing in. He's going to be a smooth coat and I'm really glad because his mom was a smooth coat and his dad was a long coat. So we weren't sure what HIS coat was going to look like.



He's become a true fetch dog. He gets the ball wherever you are and just patiently waits for you to throw it. Example



He's tons of fun and it's been exciting seeing him grow up. :)

DAY ELEVEN-Something people seem to compliment you the most on

My cheeks. I've been told many times I have nice big cheek bones. I don't necessarily agree but that's okay :)

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DAY TEN-Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Almost always I will say there is no one I wish I hadn't met and that everyone I had met had impacted me in some way. But there is ONE person who I wish I had never ever met. Caleb Harris. Knowing him has been completely pointless. He is the cockiest most self centered person I know. I honestly wish he had never come to Grace, let alone entered my life.

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DAY NINE-Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Destinee and I had been best friends since 8th grade. We did everything together. It was just her and I against the world. Then March of 2010 hit and her and her boyfriend of 1 and a half years broke up. The night of, her and I hopped on a plane to Russia. We were truly on fire for God during that trip.

When we came back I made the assumption that she would be over guys. That she had healed. That she was going to figure out who she was in God.

That didn't happen. When we came back it was suddenly about "getting back out there, having fun, and being single but still having friends with benefits." I didn't agree with this. It made me so angry. It was so different then what I had witnessed in Russia. It was then that we started growing apart and when she decided to make this summer "one to remember" we just stopped hanging out.

Then as the school year started we began hanging out again. But then that "summer to remember" bit her and the rest of my friends in the butt and got them expelled from school. It was a big shock and a big change. Because all of them left my school I had to make other friends. When me having other friends became just one other thing to argue about, I gave up.

It's actually been really good. Not having a group of friends has allowed me to branch out and see the best in everyone. I'm thankful for everything that has happened.

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Last night I spent the night with Nicole at a house she was house sitting. It's owned by the people who own Quiznos. And it was HUGE. They have three separate garages, ONE of those is a five car garage. Crazy. They also have two gorgeous German Shepherds that we got to sleep with. I realized today this is the second saturday in a row that I spent the night with Nicole. Totally weird and rare for me! But nice, because I don't feel like I have to but instead I want to. It's a very nice feeling.

DAY EIGHT -Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I don't even know.

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Well today hasn't been anything special. Took the dogs on a nice long walk, Loosie fell through the ice, and Drex and I both had very cold fingers but other than that it's been a fairly quiet day. Tonight I'm staying the night with Nicole at a house she's house sitting for which should be enjoyable. While I'm off doing that, Drex is having his friends over to his moms house (she's out of town) to play halo and stay the night there. So we will both be busy with friends. I'm looking forward to tonight.

DAY SEVEN -Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Okay so this might be one of those super cheesy posts. There are lots of people who have made my life worth living for. Most recently would be my dearest boyfriend. Drex has taught me so many things. Because of all the things he's dealt with in life, I've learned to not take things forgranted. I've learned to appreciate the ability to breathe, or the assurance that I will have a roof over my head at night.

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Well today we didn't have school due to parent teacher conference, which meant I got to sleep in and do a whole lot of nothing today. (Aside from watching Jersey Shore constantly!) When we did finally go out of the house I got myself a new jacket (purple yay!) and some new clothes.

We also managed to get some pictures of our little family






DAY SIX -Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to make the decision of whether or not to pull the plug. Just thinking about it terrifies me. I don't think I could handle the pressure to literally choose between life or death. So hopefully, I'll never be faced with that decision.

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Well today I skipped school. My mom got surgery so she let me stay home with her. (Plus I had a paper to write that I didn't want to do haha) Thankfully her surgery went well, though she said this was the most painful time. (They go in and burn her nerves and she can feel it all) We took the dogs on a walk, and got Nitro some booties.


They're super hardcore and from REI. Complete with Vibram soles!

DAY FIVE- Something you hope to do in your life.

I want to have babies. I love kids. I always have, and always will, and nothing sounds greater and more rewarding to me than having kids.

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DAY 4-Something you have to forgive someone else for

I suppose there are lots of things to forgive other people for. People wrong each other every day. But i need to forgive my pastor, for leaving me crying in a room unwilling to help. I made myself vulnerable, asking for him to assist because I felt so overwhelmed, and he walked out on me. I have held that grudge against him for a long time. But It's time I get over it and move on. The past is the past, it cannot be changed. We can only use it to our benefit in the present.

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Today...I drove past my house on the way to school and saw this.



It was weird to see that For Sale sign for the first time. In that instant it all kind of became real to me. This isn't just something we way is happening, or we talk about happening, this IS happening. I cannot imagine living in a different state, driving on different roads, living in a different house. But I know it will be good. I know that change is necessary and not only that but it's exciting. This year there is a lot going on. Lots of trips planned and lots of changes. I can't wait to move into a new house in Oregon, to decorate a room, to make dinner in a new kitchen. We're all pretty stressed, but that's the beauty of moving. Lots and lots of stress.

We also went to the dog park today, and I got some pictures of the babies.




It was a good day :)

DAY THREE-Something you need to forgive yourself for

There are things that I have done that are so heavy I cannot bring myself to write about them. It is these things that I need to forgive myself for. I know that's vague, but there are somethings that you just cannot write.

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I got a little behind with the 30 days of truth since I wrote about semi formal. But here we go, back on track.

DAY TWO-Something you love about yourself

I love that I am so close to my family. I have a really great relationship with both my parents and my sister. I love that we are able to talk about just about everything, and they always have advice to give. I know there all lots of kids out there that don't have good relationships with there parents so I am fortunate that I do.

Also, our house is officially up for sale. Flyers go up in the yard tonight, but the add on craigslist was posted last night. :)

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So yesterday was Semi Formal :)

It began with me waking up and going to Nicole's house at 12. We took a cat to the pound...and it attacked the officials, and 6 officers had to come and try to catch it and it was SO crazy, but hilarious :) Then we drove alllll the way out to Wasilla to get a kitten, whom Nicole named Valley since we got her in the valley.



Then we drove back to Nicole's and got ready. We decided to do CRAZY curls on me, because I wanted to haha. I didn't love my hair, my bangs were to long, BUT I had SO much fun.

We took pictures before we left, and then went to dinner at Chilis.



Then it was off to semi formal. The lip syncs were hilarious, and the dessert delicious. After that Drex, Chase, Nicole, and I went back to Nicole's to watch a movie. The boys stayed there til 2am and then Nicole and I went to bed. We got to sleep in her moms huge giant cushy bed, (her mom is out of state so it was just her and I there) and her lab snuggled with me all night :) Best sleep ever! (But don't let Drex hear that).

I had a wonderful night. Better than I would have ever expected.

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Semi Formal :) I'll write ALL about it tomorrow!

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So along with my 365, I'm going to be do doing something called "30 days of truth" which I found when browsing through the blogosphere.

DAY ONE-Something you hate about yourself

I hate that I judge people so easily. I look at someone and see ONE thing I don't like, and then hold it against that person. I wish I wasn't so quick to judge. Because people so often prove us wrong. :)

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Caps, Gowns, and Graduation announcements. Since our class meeting yesterday, I feel more like I'm graduating. We got our order forms which are do ASAP and discussed where the ceremony will be held. (Since it can't be held at the school due to fire code) We had to fill out a sheet for our diplomas and the names we want on our bibles.

I'm ready to graduate. But in a different way then I was a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago I was desperate to be away from Grace. SO ready to just quit and call it good. I was ready to escape. But now, I'm excited. I look forward to not only the rest of this year, but what's after it. I'm excited to leave home, to live in the dorms, to meet new people.

This year started off so awful but it's getting so much better. Not just for me. Take Elizabeth for example, she has been given the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Cambodia, a trip she probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to go on if she was still at Grace. God works in mysterious way, and I truly believe this year will be great.

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"When we were children we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability , to be alive is to be vulnerable."
-Madeleine L'Engle

In the past few weeks God has removed me from my comfort zone. He has taken away school as I once knew it. He broke me. He still is breaking me. Yet I feel at peace. I am not angry with how things have turned out. I trust that God has a plan for me, for Destinee, for Elizabeth, for Emily, for Rachel, and for Tawni.

These girls, (listed above) have been my best friends throughout high school. We have fought, cried, and laughed together. We have seen each other through breakups and enormous amounts of change.

This past year however, our goals and priorities have changed. While they want to stay here for college, get apartments, and live together; I don't. I'm leaving the state, living in the dorms, and starting over. I won't miss it here, I'm ready for change.

So we say goodbye. We learn to let go.

These girls will always be important to me. I will always care about them and continue to be thankful for all they've supported me through. But sometimes we have to walk away, and know that it's okay.

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Today I planned this elaborate post about change, friends, and letting go. But then I came home and got this in the mail...



Which means...I got accepted to college! YAYYY!

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So today...I tried to have fun. And I did.

A few weeks ago Nicole (a girl from my school) invited me to go dress shopping with her for a semi formal dress. We both ended up really busy so today she asked me if I could come and so I decided to make the effort, and go.

It actually ended up being really fun.

First, we got our nails done.





And then we went dress shopping.



And then we went to Target and got Footy Pajamas :)




And got some matching slippers. And M&M's. And Dr. Pepper.

Yum :)

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Sometimes selling shoes takes the same effect as a drug. It's addicting. I love getting into that "mode". The one where all you can think about it selling more. Where it becomes a dance. Take shoe from customer, look at number, walk into the back room, climb the ladder, take shoe out, repeat. It becomes one fluid motion. And every once in awhile, it's enjoyable. Exhausting, but enjoyable. There are parts of my job I hate, like the dealing with angry customers. But there are other parts that I love, like putting a smile on a families face because their son is mentally handicapped and no other place has taken the time to find him a pair of shoes that truly fit. Every once in awhile there is a customer who makes all the chaos and stress worth it.

(I also ordered a coach bag today! With part of my PFD!)



I'm SO excited :)

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SAT=COMPLETE!

(angelic choir)

After that though, I got my wonderful no stress Saturday. Lunch at Snow City, seeing my best friend at work, dress shopping with a girl from school, napping, and shopping! Oh and now making dinner! Yum yum! :)

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Tomorrow I have the SATS from the last time ever. I'm definitely NOT looking forward to waking up....but I AM looking forward to being done with them :)

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Happy PFD day! :) 1281 dollars that I never had before :) AND it was pay day! :) So basically, it was a good day! :D

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So today in my ASL 2 class (American Sign Language) we got onto the topic of Gays adopting. My Uncle is gay and a perfectly normal person. If he had kids, he'd be a great dad. So would his partner. However, there are kids in my class who went as far to say that they would rather a child be starving, dying, having little food to eat, and no clean water than live with a gay couple.

I'm sorry, WHAT?!

I could not BELIEVE that had come out of someones mouth. I mean what kind of sick person is that? And yet the majority of my class agreed.

I just...honestly was speechless. I would rather a child be put into a household with food, water, and a bed to lay in at night no matter what the sexuality of the parents. I would rather we base the adoption on the PERSON not the sexuality they profess.

Oh how our country is so messed up.

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Love, respect, and forgiveness. All three of these things seem standard, things we act out in our daily lives. But they're the things I've had to pray earnestly for the last 2 weeks.

When my friends were suspended, I was angry. I was lonely. I was hopeless. Going to every class alone, figuring out who to sit with at lunch, figuring out literally how to function. (Pathetic, I know). I was so mad at our administration. I felt like they were heartless, stupid, fake.

I suppose though, I had been feeling like that for awhile. Not just towards the administration, but towards Christians in general. Everywhere I looked there were people faking a religion. Putting on a "good" image at school and then acting totally different once out of sight. This situation only helped continue those feelings. I felt like that's what these people in charge were doing. Living totally different than they claimed to believe.

I was getting over this...calming down, ready for things to go back to normal.

And then they were expelled. All four of them. Gone. Suddenly I wasn't going to go to school with them. Suddenly there would be no dressing up for spirit days, buying semi formal dresses, going to homecoming. There would be no wearing our caps and gowns and feeling the nerves right before we walked into the gym ready to finish our high school career. I felt like the whole world was shattering. I just wanted to cry. To quit.

My mom pulled me into her room one night and talked to me. She talked to me telling me that I can't stop enjoying this year, that I have to pick myself up and trust that God has a plan for my friends and I. It's what I needed to hear.

So these last 2 weeks I've been praying for love. Love for those who have been in my class since I was in 7th grade. Love for those who I will be graduating with. Love for those who I have looked past all these years.

I've been praying for respect. To once again respect those who God put in authority over me. To realize I don't know anything about them. I don't know what their home lives are like. What their struggles are. I judge on the little I know; that they expelled my best friends. But a person goes so much deeper than an action. If one was to judge me based on a single action I've done, they wouldn't like me much either.

I've been praying for forgiveness. To forgive those for the things they've done. To forgive them and accept that none of us are perfect. We all make decisions that not everyone is happy with. It's a part of life. Not forgiving them hurts me more than it does them.

I'm going to miss my best friend. I know we'll still talk and see each other every once in awhile. But I also know it won't be as frequent. We will both get caught up in life and the business of it all. But she'll always be my best friend. No matter how many people come and go.

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We got Nitro and Loosie's costumes today. They're both bumble bees :) I got some pictures of Nitro...he really doesn't mind it which is very convenient. So here you go,

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Today I got the lovely privilege of working all day. yippee.

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So today I went dress shopping. And was actually happy to do so :)

I found a Cheetah print one...and was like "YES I MUST HAVE THIS" so I bought it :)



I don't really know what I'm doing October 16. Whether I'm going to Semi-Formal or not. But hey, whatever I end up doing, I have a cute dress to wear :)

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17 months ago I was in a play. 17 months ago I danced around on stage feeling like I could fly. 17 months ago I sat at Denny's with my best friend and some kid named Drex. 17 months ago I kissed him for the very first time. 17 months ago I began a journey that will last me a life time.

Today Drex and I celebrate 17 months. 17 months of joy, hardships, pain, tears, laughs, kisses, and so many amazing memories. Today I celebrate the man who has stood by my side, and continues to do so. No matter how hard or impossible things get. I love him more today than I ever have, and that love continues to grow, day by day, month by month. I am so lucky to call him mine.

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Maroon and Gold day! :)

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I did my eyebrows tonight. To most, this is probably something they do often. Not for me. I used to keep up with that kind of stuff, like this summer for instance. But school started, and so did a million issues. With those issues, I stopped caring. I felt like I was losing everything, like life was spinning out of control. But tonight I made that effort. I did my eyebrows. It's a small step, but it's a step nonetheless. It's been hard to find my way out of the rubble. It's been much too easy to sit amongst it and complain. But I refuse to do that any longer. It's time to rebuild, to reconnect, to get off my lazy butt and make something of myself. I know it's not easy, trust me, being a stranger suddenly in a school you've felt comfortable in for years, is weird. It's terrifying. It's miserable. So I'm working on building relationships and friendships with those I've been surrounded by for 6 years. Because ultimately, this is my senior year, this is my senior class, and like it or not, I'm stuck there.

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So today was my lovely stay home and watch teen mom and do nothing :)

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This post was originally going to be yesterdays, but I decided to write it today, because it gave my whirlwind of emotions to settle down.

Yesterday, my very best friend, and another good friend were in a car accident. I spent my evening with my best friend in the ER. It got me thinking though, how we can be taken at any moment. How in the blink of an eye we can be gone. God protected them. But what if it had gone differently? I suppose that is the question we are all haunted with right now. And I guess that's all I can truly say about it.

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It's been a long week. A long, stressful, and emotional week. I'm glad tomorrow starts a new week. I'm glad today was the end of it. I hope it gets better. I really truly do.

I have to make the best of it. To still enjoy my senior year. As hard as it's going to be without them, I know I can't sit and pout. I love my class...but it's just not the same. This year doesn't hold the potential that it used to. But I have to move forward.

Unfortunately school doesn't stop. There's no pause button. Next Saturday I take the SATs again. I have to start studying. I have a vocab quiz on Wednesday. I have a test sometime this week. School goes on, and so does life. I wish it would slow down and give me a moment to sort my emotions. But it won't. So I have to deal with it, to be strong, to make the best of things. Even when it sucks.

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Hebrews 10:35-36 " So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

Today...my best friends were expelled.

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I have adopted the motto "this too shall pass" for life right now. Nitro's puppy stages, school, my best friends and their issues, etc. It's encouraging, to know that it will get better, that someday I will look back and laugh. But until that day, I just remind myself that this too will indeed pass.

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Sometimes Drex and I forget to have fun. We get so caught up in the dogs, family, drama, school, etc. that we just do everything routinely, without a laugh or a smile. Hardly enjoying the afternoons at all. But not today. Last night we talked about it, we cried, we discussed, we talked about everything that was wrong, and that made it right. We went in not being happy and came out happy simply because we talked and had a real conversation.

So today we enjoyed ourselves. We went to Mr. Prime Beef and got the dogs some bones and us some ground beef. We went grocery shopping. We went to the apartment and made tacos, locked the dogs on the balcony with raw bones, and played Halo. We drank lots of grape soda and ate Cheetos. We blared the radio on the way home and sang along. We laughed and smiled and fell in love all over again.

I needed that, we needed that.

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Crazy Jumping Dogs

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Dear....

ALL OF YOU WHO ARE NOT AT SCHOOL WITH ME RIGHT NOW

I miss you.

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(Dear blogger, you are an hour ahead of me. It is still Sunday where I am. Please remember this. Love, Me.)

I was going through pictures and found this one. Which I love. :)

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It's been one of those days. One of those on my period, super emotional days. Sometimes, being a woman sucks.

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So this morning I decided to take a few pictures of breakfast time....







Yummy right? Now try being the one that has to pick the leaves of the meat so they will continue eating it. Delicious.

We also got Nitro's papers today :)



Seeing them makes me want to breed him even more than I did. I mean he has an awesome pedigree! We wouldn't breed until he was older, and even then he has about a million tests we'd have to pay for.

(I.E Hip score, eye exams and a hearing test. As well as DNA testing to make sure his lines are pure...and oh so many more.)

But it is something to think about. Especially since he is ABCA registered and has an amazing pedigree. We'll see :)

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Going raw...

So I've been doing a bunch of research about feeding dogs a raw diet. A lot of people are going this way because by going raw YOU control what your dog eats.

http://www.dogguide.net/raw-diet-basics.php

http://www.rawlearning.com/

There are two sites that explain it much better than I can. Anyways, today we made a visit to the butcher and the dogs will be fed a semi raw diet. TOTW (Taste of the wild, our dog food) in the morning and raw for dinner. The first thing we started on, and what is recommended to start on, was Chicken Thighs. Nitro took em like a champ, eating the meat off and then chewing the bone. Loosie wasn't so sure, it took her a little while to be okay with the texture.

Its our new adventure. But I'm totally excited. :)

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My awesome day summed up in pictures :)

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My terrible, horrible, VERY bad day. (And Liz's 18 bday! But that's not what made it awful.)

And this is how it happened.

#1. I'm not allowed to skip school for Liz's birthday lunch. (Oh how I envy those of you suspended)

#2. I get my phone taken away. For talking to my manager. Stupidest thing ever. So the stupid teacher takes it to the office...anddd I get a detention (awesome.) and I get to freak out while I pray they don't go snooping. (Cus they're kind of like that.)

Okay so those two things made my day SUCK. (I just realized how pathetic that looks...but trust me it actually did suck)

But these made my day better

#1. Getting my nails done with my best friends. Just what I needed :)

#2. Chocolate (Thank you Mrs. Congdon)

#3. Getting oh so exciting halloween costumes with my best friend.

#4. Ordering pizza and playing video games with my boyfriend.

And that my friends is how you make a horrible day into a decent one :)

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My first full day without my best friends. Sure, last friday they weren't at school, but I wasn't there until lunch, and then only had three classes. It felt more like they were sick. But not today. Today the emptiness was very much so there. You don't know how much you depend on your friends, until they're taken away. But let me tell you, it sucks.

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Tattoos...

Okay, so I've been thinking a lot about tattoos I want...soooo here's the two I want for sure so far...

I want a dove on my hip
and I want "Only God can Judge me" on my foot (I think, the placement may be changed though but I love the words.)

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Sleeping baby

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Happy Birthday Rach!

So today we celebrated Rachel's 18th birthday :) It's so weird everyone is getting so old...so quickly.

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And it all comes tumbling down.

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Another day at the dog park :)

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There was a time in which I used to fit in in high school. I was loud, funny, comfortable. I could talk to strangers, be totally obnoxious in class, and yet be totally okay with that. I'm not anymore. I don't feel like I fit in at all. Like I'm trapped in the skin of a high school student. Somewhere down the road, I grew up. Though I am happy about that in so many ways, there are others in which I hate it.

Part of me wishes I could still be....carefree. But reality struck me. That one moment that changed everything. It made me grow up. It made me quiet, distance, secret. The one thing that in an instance, put all the weight of the world on my shoulders. I so wish I could forget it and move on. But I can't. I never will be able to. It will haunt me, everyday, and every moment of my life.

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And yet another day at the lake.

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Enjoying the lake :)

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No Internet connection=no long thoughtful post. Sorry :S

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It's been a long day

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My life consists of dogs, dogs, and dogs.

And I love it.