159/365

Love, respect, and forgiveness. All three of these things seem standard, things we act out in our daily lives. But they're the things I've had to pray earnestly for the last 2 weeks.

When my friends were suspended, I was angry. I was lonely. I was hopeless. Going to every class alone, figuring out who to sit with at lunch, figuring out literally how to function. (Pathetic, I know). I was so mad at our administration. I felt like they were heartless, stupid, fake.

I suppose though, I had been feeling like that for awhile. Not just towards the administration, but towards Christians in general. Everywhere I looked there were people faking a religion. Putting on a "good" image at school and then acting totally different once out of sight. This situation only helped continue those feelings. I felt like that's what these people in charge were doing. Living totally different than they claimed to believe.

I was getting over this...calming down, ready for things to go back to normal.

And then they were expelled. All four of them. Gone. Suddenly I wasn't going to go to school with them. Suddenly there would be no dressing up for spirit days, buying semi formal dresses, going to homecoming. There would be no wearing our caps and gowns and feeling the nerves right before we walked into the gym ready to finish our high school career. I felt like the whole world was shattering. I just wanted to cry. To quit.

My mom pulled me into her room one night and talked to me. She talked to me telling me that I can't stop enjoying this year, that I have to pick myself up and trust that God has a plan for my friends and I. It's what I needed to hear.

So these last 2 weeks I've been praying for love. Love for those who have been in my class since I was in 7th grade. Love for those who I will be graduating with. Love for those who I have looked past all these years.

I've been praying for respect. To once again respect those who God put in authority over me. To realize I don't know anything about them. I don't know what their home lives are like. What their struggles are. I judge on the little I know; that they expelled my best friends. But a person goes so much deeper than an action. If one was to judge me based on a single action I've done, they wouldn't like me much either.

I've been praying for forgiveness. To forgive those for the things they've done. To forgive them and accept that none of us are perfect. We all make decisions that not everyone is happy with. It's a part of life. Not forgiving them hurts me more than it does them.

I'm going to miss my best friend. I know we'll still talk and see each other every once in awhile. But I also know it won't be as frequent. We will both get caught up in life and the business of it all. But she'll always be my best friend. No matter how many people come and go.

152/365

I did my eyebrows tonight. To most, this is probably something they do often. Not for me. I used to keep up with that kind of stuff, like this summer for instance. But school started, and so did a million issues. With those issues, I stopped caring. I felt like I was losing everything, like life was spinning out of control. But tonight I made that effort. I did my eyebrows. It's a small step, but it's a step nonetheless. It's been hard to find my way out of the rubble. It's been much too easy to sit amongst it and complain. But I refuse to do that any longer. It's time to rebuild, to reconnect, to get off my lazy butt and make something of myself. I know it's not easy, trust me, being a stranger suddenly in a school you've felt comfortable in for years, is weird. It's terrifying. It's miserable. So I'm working on building relationships and friendships with those I've been surrounded by for 6 years. Because ultimately, this is my senior year, this is my senior class, and like it or not, I'm stuck there.

150/365

This post was originally going to be yesterdays, but I decided to write it today, because it gave my whirlwind of emotions to settle down.

Yesterday, my very best friend, and another good friend were in a car accident. I spent my evening with my best friend in the ER. It got me thinking though, how we can be taken at any moment. How in the blink of an eye we can be gone. God protected them. But what if it had gone differently? I suppose that is the question we are all haunted with right now. And I guess that's all I can truly say about it.

149/365

148/365

It's been a long week. A long, stressful, and emotional week. I'm glad tomorrow starts a new week. I'm glad today was the end of it. I hope it gets better. I really truly do.

I have to make the best of it. To still enjoy my senior year. As hard as it's going to be without them, I know I can't sit and pout. I love my class...but it's just not the same. This year doesn't hold the potential that it used to. But I have to move forward.

Unfortunately school doesn't stop. There's no pause button. Next Saturday I take the SATs again. I have to start studying. I have a vocab quiz on Wednesday. I have a test sometime this week. School goes on, and so does life. I wish it would slow down and give me a moment to sort my emotions. But it won't. So I have to deal with it, to be strong, to make the best of things. Even when it sucks.

147/365

Hebrews 10:35-36 " So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

Today...my best friends were expelled.

146/365

I have adopted the motto "this too shall pass" for life right now. Nitro's puppy stages, school, my best friends and their issues, etc. It's encouraging, to know that it will get better, that someday I will look back and laugh. But until that day, I just remind myself that this too will indeed pass.

145/365

Sometimes Drex and I forget to have fun. We get so caught up in the dogs, family, drama, school, etc. that we just do everything routinely, without a laugh or a smile. Hardly enjoying the afternoons at all. But not today. Last night we talked about it, we cried, we discussed, we talked about everything that was wrong, and that made it right. We went in not being happy and came out happy simply because we talked and had a real conversation.

So today we enjoyed ourselves. We went to Mr. Prime Beef and got the dogs some bones and us some ground beef. We went grocery shopping. We went to the apartment and made tacos, locked the dogs on the balcony with raw bones, and played Halo. We drank lots of grape soda and ate Cheetos. We blared the radio on the way home and sang along. We laughed and smiled and fell in love all over again.

I needed that, we needed that.

141/365

It's been one of those days. One of those on my period, super emotional days. Sometimes, being a woman sucks.

130/365

There was a time in which I used to fit in in high school. I was loud, funny, comfortable. I could talk to strangers, be totally obnoxious in class, and yet be totally okay with that. I'm not anymore. I don't feel like I fit in at all. Like I'm trapped in the skin of a high school student. Somewhere down the road, I grew up. Though I am happy about that in so many ways, there are others in which I hate it.

Part of me wishes I could still be....carefree. But reality struck me. That one moment that changed everything. It made me grow up. It made me quiet, distance, secret. The one thing that in an instance, put all the weight of the world on my shoulders. I so wish I could forget it and move on. But I can't. I never will be able to. It will haunt me, everyday, and every moment of my life.

122/365

This whole 'not seeing Drex until the evening' thing isn't working well. Not because it's awkward or anything, but because he ignores me. Because I have to literally ASK him to sit next to me, or talk to me. I feel like it's a constant battle for his attention. And even when he does stop doing whatever he's doing (usually on the computer) he goes RIGHT back to it moments later.

It's just frustrating. Really Really frustrating. Especially because I don't get to see him during the day, and even less when I work. But it's like I might as well not see him at all. He's just here...and so am I....but we don't talk, or sit close. I know our relationship is fine, it's not like this is going to cause us to break up or anything. It's just that I need more than someone to just sit with me. UGH. It's so annoying!

That is all.

106/365

Exhausted.

102/365

There are moments in which I am so angry I could kill someone. Moments I have to lock myself in my room. Moments I have to tell Drex to not touch me in fear that I will hit him. Moments when I scream. Moments when I feel like jumping out a window, or putting a bullet in my head. Moments when I feel possessed. Moments like these.

I am able to control it better now. I can feel it coming. I can ask Drex to leave the room. But these moments of anger still creep up on me. They over take me. They control me.

I have cracked my door from punching it. I have broken a wallet from throwing it at a wall. I have ripped off a necklace and broken the chain.

Why?

Because in that moment I lose control. I lose my sanity. I plead with myself to stop, to calm down. I tell myself it's not a big deal, to let it go, and yet...there is a bigger part of me that takes over.

In that moment, I am trapped and have no where to run.