123/365

Pretty in Pink

122/365

This whole 'not seeing Drex until the evening' thing isn't working well. Not because it's awkward or anything, but because he ignores me. Because I have to literally ASK him to sit next to me, or talk to me. I feel like it's a constant battle for his attention. And even when he does stop doing whatever he's doing (usually on the computer) he goes RIGHT back to it moments later.

It's just frustrating. Really Really frustrating. Especially because I don't get to see him during the day, and even less when I work. But it's like I might as well not see him at all. He's just here...and so am I....but we don't talk, or sit close. I know our relationship is fine, it's not like this is going to cause us to break up or anything. It's just that I need more than someone to just sit with me. UGH. It's so annoying!

That is all.

121/365

Dear Destinee.

You are beautiful, unique, and special. You love with your whole heart and leave nothing behind. Don’t let a boy change that. Don’t let a boy make you think things about yourself that aren’t true. Don’t let a boy every make you think you are worth less than you are.

I have told you that you need to figure out who YOU are. Without friends, without family, without boys. You did. You found yourself when you left all you knew and stepped into a world that was different from what you were used to.

But then, you came back. You came back and fit yourself into the mold you had left. A mold that isn’t necessarily bad, but a mold that holds you so tightly that you feel everything all over again.

Remember when we were in Russia? You told me something.

That because you weren’t with Tyler you could do so much more. Adopt kids, go study abroad if you wanted to, not hurt every night because you couldn’t hangout with him.

I have a boyfriend. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But I have to give up things, I cannot do anything I want whenever I want. You CAN. Don’t forget that.

There is a quote you used to love…

“Loving someone is giving them the power to destroy you,
And trusting them not to.”
-Unknown

You loved Tyler. You will ALWAYS love Tyler. But don’t regret Tyler. Be thankful for the moments you got to spend with him. Don’t try to replace those or make them less important than they are. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel broken and needy. You have to break to be fixed. But don’t forget to heal. Don’t forget to remember that those moments you guys shared together were special, but there will be other moments with other people. That not being with Tyler brings you one step closer to who you were intended for.

Don’t sit and think you’ll never be married or have kids. That you won’t find that “prince charming”. (You will.) Instead plan your life. LIVE your life. Cherish those memories and let them help you in your life.

He will always hold a special place in your heart. But let him. Don’t try to push him out because that’s impossible. Just accept that he will be there, and you will be in his. Rebuild your heart, and keep it open, because you never know when someone will stumble in.

And remember,

You don’t have to cry alone.

I love you.

120/365

Today has been one of those days.

Rainy, lazy, and I don't feel good. My head is full of junk which is causing my throat to be sore and me to just feel like all around crap.

Also, my senior pictures STILL aren't up. Which is really frustrating because the lady that did mine told me they would be up EARLY this week. (It's saturday...so definitely not early).

I am losing patience. Fast.

GRRR.

119/365

Movie night :)

118/365

(this blog was originally a note I was in the process of writing to my best friend, mostly just for myself)

Once upon a time I was one of the most anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-democratic people I knew. However, though my surroundings didn't change, my opinions and thoughts have. I have become less and less republican and more and more democrat. Suddenly I have become NO on Prop 2 (Parental Rights), and NO on Prop 8 (ban on same sex marriage). I think this happened because I began to question my authority, and realize there are other people aside from me. People in different situations, people that need options. I can't wait to get married, why should a gay person be banned from that?

Oh politics.

117/365

There is nothing in me that wants to blog. It hasn't been a great night (It hasn't been a bad one either, just...eh.) so forgive me for the shortness and not so sweetness of this post. I promise I'll get better, you just have to let me settle into this whole school thing :)

116/365

Bed time...

115/365

So today was the first day of school, and it went well. Fortunately I don't have to be at school until 9:55 instead of 8 which is REALLY nice.

After school however, we took the dogs to the dog park and Nitro met a Great Dane named Piper.

114/365

The day before school starts...

I'm actually really excited about school starting. Not at all nervous, and not even fretting about what to wear! I got my hair cut today...way shorter than it was.

So this is before...



And this is now...



I actually really like it. It's definitely a change, but I'm okay with change. I wanted something way different and I definitely got that. :)

113/365

So today I went and got my senior pictures done. I was super duper nervous but it ended up being a ton of fun. We met at Kincaid and took a walk, stopping at places she thought would be good for taking pictures. I got to see a few and I LOVE them, which is good because I was terrified I would hate them. :)

I can't wait to see all of them! But unfortunately I have to wait a few days. Blah. I got pictures with everyone. My dad, my mom, my sister, and Drex. Oh and we took a few family ones too :)

I also forgot to mention that yesterday Nitro went swimming for the first time! There's this log at the dog park and Loosie ALWAYS goes out on it to get to the ducks. To get to the log she first has to swim to it so yesterday was no exception. Loosie plunged into the water to get to the log...and Nitro jumped in after her. He did sooo good though! No fear, just happiness. :)

112/365

I have written this post 3 times. What I want to say just isn't coming out right. So I'm just leaving it for now.

111/365

So today the sunshine came out and the day was HOT. We spent it at the beach with the dogs. They loved it!

110/365

So while the rest of my high school is off at retreat...I got to do my own thing :)

I got to sleep in, work, and decorate my locker. It's so pretty! I love it so much.

Also, plans changed with my schedule. Since I'm already taking 4 home schooling classes plus my GCS classes, looks like I don't need to take a class at South. Which means the earliest I have to be at school is 10! Totally perfect! :)

109/365

I swear I have the cutest Border Collie ever



and my favorite :)



He's already gained 10lbs since we got him and today he turned 10 weeks :)

108/365

His ears his ears his ears!

And so the migratory ear phase begins! He can now almost stand one of them all the way up!



Unless he's sleeping and then they're all over the place!

107/365

I was looking through my recent posts and I realized I haven't talked much about going back to school. (Ech!) Unfortunately it's becoming a reality so I figure I might as well talk about it.

While the rest of my school begins on the 18th, I will not be starting with them. My school does this retreat thing and though normally we get a first day we don't this year. Instead, we head straight out to retreat where we stay for 2 nights 3 days. However, I will not be attending retreat this year (yay!) and instead get to stay here, attend my class at South, work, and hangout with my beloved boyfriend who starts school on the 23rd.

I have about a million mixed feelings about starting this next school year. I won't be attending the same school as Drex, and that for one is strange to me. No seeing him at lunch, or in between classes. No safe place to rest during an argument with friends, no friendly encouragement when I'm having a bad day...It's going to be hard, but I believe we'll be okay. We have two babies together after all :)

In my sadness of not going to school with him, I also know there are positives. I get to hangout with my friends and they get my full attention. I get to feel more included in things they are discussing about during lunch because I won't be having a separate conversation.

So I'm having to remind myself, it's not all bad.

Work has been really great with my whole "back to school" thing and the latest they're having my work is 8. This will be even nicer this year as I will have class at 7:30AM. EEK! I'm nervous about my class at South. I'm scared of getting lost, not knowing anyone, what to wear, etc. But I know it'll be good for me. Especially since in a year, I'll be heading off to a new school, knowing no one.

I'm having to remind myself to take everything one simple step at a time. The year will end soon enough, and I will be done. But no need to rush things...as much as I'd love to.

Ps. Happy 43rd Birthday Mommy :)

106/365

Exhausted.

105/365

I am so in love with my puppy.



He looks at me with this adorable "I love you" look and I swear I melt every time!

Though he's a load of trouble at the end of the day he is totally worth it.

104/365

Back to home cooking...whoo!

Tonights meal: Whole wheat pasta, ground beef, and organic pasta sauce all mixed into one! Yum! It was SO delicious, and I am NOT one for pasta.

We also spent the evening at Drexs' apartment which we hadn't done in forever. With all the business and family visiting and whatnot we really hadn't had an evening just the two of us in a really long time (well plus two dogs haha). So we spent our night watching The Transporter (#3) and the most recent Kourtney and Khloe take Miami.

Nitro has also developed the oh so disgusting habit of poop eating. (ECH!) I'm a member of a Border Collie forum based off of the ABCA website. Anyways with help we have officially switched to an all natural food recommended by LOTS of people, and I'm hoping that cures this whole icky poop eating phase.

Fingers Crossed! :)

103/365

Yum :)

102/365

There are moments in which I am so angry I could kill someone. Moments I have to lock myself in my room. Moments I have to tell Drex to not touch me in fear that I will hit him. Moments when I scream. Moments when I feel like jumping out a window, or putting a bullet in my head. Moments when I feel possessed. Moments like these.

I am able to control it better now. I can feel it coming. I can ask Drex to leave the room. But these moments of anger still creep up on me. They over take me. They control me.

I have cracked my door from punching it. I have broken a wallet from throwing it at a wall. I have ripped off a necklace and broken the chain.

Why?

Because in that moment I lose control. I lose my sanity. I plead with myself to stop, to calm down. I tell myself it's not a big deal, to let it go, and yet...there is a bigger part of me that takes over.

In that moment, I am trapped and have no where to run.

101/365

Well we're back from Homer. Nitro did SO good on the trip! I was SO impressed with him! He had zero accidents, slept in the car, didn't chew on any furniture, and was all around awesome! Tomorrow he turns 9 weeks old :) Alright, I'm exhausted so this is going to be very...very....VERY short :)

100/365

I am now officially in triple digits! WHOO! :)

So we have family up here so we drove down to Soldotna, AK last night and spent the night there, and tonight are in Homer. We rented this super nice log cabin and it has free wi-fi! A total blessing because otherwise I'd be forced to blog on my phone...not exactly the most ideal situation ever.

Anyways, so here we are in Homer...enjoying our time together. :)

99/365

I'm going to be a Senior. My next birthday is my 18th one. In a year I will be in a different state, preparing for my first year of college. It finally has hit me. After this year, everything changes. In less than a year I will be wearing a cap and gown. I will be handed my diploma, and suddenly my life will start. I hope I'm ready.

98/365

I have the most amazing family in the world. I have two adorable babies that I love more than anything. They are crazy and and exhausting but they make every troubling and tiring moment worth it. Loosie howls at everything, especially recently, and Nitro has a slight obsession with peeing on wires (very troubling), but I wouldn't trade them for anything. :)

I have the greatest most wonderful boyfriend in the world. I know I've blogged about him many times, but I still am in shock of how on earth I got such a perfect guy. I mean really, he has sat with me while I had blood and spit falling out my mouth into a bowl in the bathroom, he has held my hair up as I've puked into the toilet, he has stayed on the phone with me all night so that I don't feel alone. And though I am the most undeserving selfish girl in the world, he loves me anyways.

97/365

I have a purpose.



I was put here for a reason.



When I was little I couldn't wait to discover it...



Perhaps it was to be an Olympic swimmer



A professional baseball star...



Or maybe even a princess...



But somewhere down the road I stopped looking for it...



And decided to be whatever people wanted me to be...

Missionary...



Girlfriend...



Daughter...



I have come a long way. I no longer aspire to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, daughter, person.

And I'm ready again...I'm ready to dream, to search, to find the reason God placed me here. I am ready to fulfill that purpose.

96/365

And yet another rainy day in the great AK.

I spent the day working, and then hanging out with my amazing wonderful family. Little Nitro had his first accident in my house today (eek!) but it swiftly was cleaned up and now he's sleeping. Of course we took advantage of him not moving...





My favorite men :)

95/365

We decided to take a family picture...this is how it came out haha. None of us ready, making priceless faces...yeah this is all of us in a nutshell.



We also took Nitro to his first vet appointment. He did awesome! He got his Bordetella shot so he can be protected against Kennel Cough. He fell asleep while we were waiting.



Him and Chena decided to have a stare off quickly followed by wrestling



He is such a gorgeous Border Collie.



This is probably my absolute favorite picture of him so far.

94/365

Puppies are exhausting.

He's a genius, but he's also never ever tired. Not even after a 20 minute walk! Now, normally this would be okay, but Drex has recently come down with something, (fever, headache, vomiting) so I'm left with all the responsibility. It's like being a stay at home mom with a 7 year old and a baby. (I say 7 year old because Loosie is basically 7 in dog years). Nitro is very go go go, which is fine...except when I'm making breakfast and Drex is trying to sleep. Of course, he's just a puppy, and for being a puppy he is brilliant!

We've had him for just over 24 hours, and he knows his name, comes when called, has mastered the staircase, sits and waits to be fed, sits when putting his collar or leash on, (he knows the command sit), and pees whenever taken outside. Don't get me wrong we've had our fair share of accidents in the past 24+ hours, but he's used the potty patch and outside too, which is really good.

He's also a big chewer. I mean he will chew on anything! (including your back at 5am which Drex not so happily discovered).

We're taking him into the vet tomorrow so we'll see how he does :)

93/365

Welcome Home :)

;'