173/365

Today...I drove past my house on the way to school and saw this.



It was weird to see that For Sale sign for the first time. In that instant it all kind of became real to me. This isn't just something we way is happening, or we talk about happening, this IS happening. I cannot imagine living in a different state, driving on different roads, living in a different house. But I know it will be good. I know that change is necessary and not only that but it's exciting. This year there is a lot going on. Lots of trips planned and lots of changes. I can't wait to move into a new house in Oregon, to decorate a room, to make dinner in a new kitchen. We're all pretty stressed, but that's the beauty of moving. Lots and lots of stress.

We also went to the dog park today, and I got some pictures of the babies.




It was a good day :)

DAY THREE-Something you need to forgive yourself for

There are things that I have done that are so heavy I cannot bring myself to write about them. It is these things that I need to forgive myself for. I know that's vague, but there are somethings that you just cannot write.

114/365

The day before school starts...

I'm actually really excited about school starting. Not at all nervous, and not even fretting about what to wear! I got my hair cut today...way shorter than it was.

So this is before...



And this is now...



I actually really like it. It's definitely a change, but I'm okay with change. I wanted something way different and I definitely got that. :)

99/365

I'm going to be a Senior. My next birthday is my 18th one. In a year I will be in a different state, preparing for my first year of college. It finally has hit me. After this year, everything changes. In less than a year I will be wearing a cap and gown. I will be handed my diploma, and suddenly my life will start. I hope I'm ready.

97/365

I have a purpose.



I was put here for a reason.



When I was little I couldn't wait to discover it...



Perhaps it was to be an Olympic swimmer



A professional baseball star...



Or maybe even a princess...



But somewhere down the road I stopped looking for it...



And decided to be whatever people wanted me to be...

Missionary...



Girlfriend...



Daughter...



I have come a long way. I no longer aspire to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, daughter, person.

And I'm ready again...I'm ready to dream, to search, to find the reason God placed me here. I am ready to fulfill that purpose.

28/365

I remember when my parents were leaving our old church. The whole situation was a mess but I often remember how my parents used that to talk to my sister and I about leaving our 'comfort zones'. I suppose I never understood that to it's fullest. I also remember how rumors were spread, and old friends believed them and began to talk meanly about our family. I never understood how disturbed they must have felt, or the way that affected them in their daily routine. Neither of these things became a reality to me until now. This time however, it is not my family but me, and it is not a church, but friends.

I have been hesitant to write about this. Mostly because I do my best to not let it myself think about it. But it haunts me. I dream about it every night, I do not sleep soundly. I get this sick twisted feeling in my stomach, and I want to throw up. I want my name to be cleared. I want people to believe me, to realize I'm not the bad guy here, I don't deserve that label. I cannot look at my phone without fear of a nasty text, I can't answer without fear of being screamed at. And yet I know...I did nothing.

I long for the comfort of my bed, the lick of my puppy. But these things are not available to me. I need to relax and stop being so stressed. It's the impossible task. I know I am growing and learning and for that I am truly thankful. I wish I could make my anxiety disappear but sadly I know that healing takes time. So instead I love and live. I embrace every moment and know that someday I will look back and tell my children about this. I will watch them like my own mother watches me. I will hurt as they hurt and smile as they smile. I will share in their dreams, their laughs, and their tears. I will tell them they are being molded into the man or woman God wants them to be. But until then...I will listen to my own mother tell me this and I will do my best to believe her.