179/365

DAY NINE-Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Destinee and I had been best friends since 8th grade. We did everything together. It was just her and I against the world. Then March of 2010 hit and her and her boyfriend of 1 and a half years broke up. The night of, her and I hopped on a plane to Russia. We were truly on fire for God during that trip.

When we came back I made the assumption that she would be over guys. That she had healed. That she was going to figure out who she was in God.

That didn't happen. When we came back it was suddenly about "getting back out there, having fun, and being single but still having friends with benefits." I didn't agree with this. It made me so angry. It was so different then what I had witnessed in Russia. It was then that we started growing apart and when she decided to make this summer "one to remember" we just stopped hanging out.

Then as the school year started we began hanging out again. But then that "summer to remember" bit her and the rest of my friends in the butt and got them expelled from school. It was a big shock and a big change. Because all of them left my school I had to make other friends. When me having other friends became just one other thing to argue about, I gave up.

It's actually been really good. Not having a group of friends has allowed me to branch out and see the best in everyone. I'm thankful for everything that has happened.

171/365

So yesterday was Semi Formal :)

It began with me waking up and going to Nicole's house at 12. We took a cat to the pound...and it attacked the officials, and 6 officers had to come and try to catch it and it was SO crazy, but hilarious :) Then we drove alllll the way out to Wasilla to get a kitten, whom Nicole named Valley since we got her in the valley.



Then we drove back to Nicole's and got ready. We decided to do CRAZY curls on me, because I wanted to haha. I didn't love my hair, my bangs were to long, BUT I had SO much fun.

We took pictures before we left, and then went to dinner at Chilis.



Then it was off to semi formal. The lip syncs were hilarious, and the dessert delicious. After that Drex, Chase, Nicole, and I went back to Nicole's to watch a movie. The boys stayed there til 2am and then Nicole and I went to bed. We got to sleep in her moms huge giant cushy bed, (her mom is out of state so it was just her and I there) and her lab snuggled with me all night :) Best sleep ever! (But don't let Drex hear that).

I had a wonderful night. Better than I would have ever expected.

167/365

"When we were children we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability , to be alive is to be vulnerable."
-Madeleine L'Engle

In the past few weeks God has removed me from my comfort zone. He has taken away school as I once knew it. He broke me. He still is breaking me. Yet I feel at peace. I am not angry with how things have turned out. I trust that God has a plan for me, for Destinee, for Elizabeth, for Emily, for Rachel, and for Tawni.

These girls, (listed above) have been my best friends throughout high school. We have fought, cried, and laughed together. We have seen each other through breakups and enormous amounts of change.

This past year however, our goals and priorities have changed. While they want to stay here for college, get apartments, and live together; I don't. I'm leaving the state, living in the dorms, and starting over. I won't miss it here, I'm ready for change.

So we say goodbye. We learn to let go.

These girls will always be important to me. I will always care about them and continue to be thankful for all they've supported me through. But sometimes we have to walk away, and know that it's okay.

165/365

So today...I tried to have fun. And I did.

A few weeks ago Nicole (a girl from my school) invited me to go dress shopping with her for a semi formal dress. We both ended up really busy so today she asked me if I could come and so I decided to make the effort, and go.

It actually ended up being really fun.

First, we got our nails done.





And then we went dress shopping.



And then we went to Target and got Footy Pajamas :)




And got some matching slippers. And M&M's. And Dr. Pepper.

Yum :)

159/365

Love, respect, and forgiveness. All three of these things seem standard, things we act out in our daily lives. But they're the things I've had to pray earnestly for the last 2 weeks.

When my friends were suspended, I was angry. I was lonely. I was hopeless. Going to every class alone, figuring out who to sit with at lunch, figuring out literally how to function. (Pathetic, I know). I was so mad at our administration. I felt like they were heartless, stupid, fake.

I suppose though, I had been feeling like that for awhile. Not just towards the administration, but towards Christians in general. Everywhere I looked there were people faking a religion. Putting on a "good" image at school and then acting totally different once out of sight. This situation only helped continue those feelings. I felt like that's what these people in charge were doing. Living totally different than they claimed to believe.

I was getting over this...calming down, ready for things to go back to normal.

And then they were expelled. All four of them. Gone. Suddenly I wasn't going to go to school with them. Suddenly there would be no dressing up for spirit days, buying semi formal dresses, going to homecoming. There would be no wearing our caps and gowns and feeling the nerves right before we walked into the gym ready to finish our high school career. I felt like the whole world was shattering. I just wanted to cry. To quit.

My mom pulled me into her room one night and talked to me. She talked to me telling me that I can't stop enjoying this year, that I have to pick myself up and trust that God has a plan for my friends and I. It's what I needed to hear.

So these last 2 weeks I've been praying for love. Love for those who have been in my class since I was in 7th grade. Love for those who I will be graduating with. Love for those who I have looked past all these years.

I've been praying for respect. To once again respect those who God put in authority over me. To realize I don't know anything about them. I don't know what their home lives are like. What their struggles are. I judge on the little I know; that they expelled my best friends. But a person goes so much deeper than an action. If one was to judge me based on a single action I've done, they wouldn't like me much either.

I've been praying for forgiveness. To forgive those for the things they've done. To forgive them and accept that none of us are perfect. We all make decisions that not everyone is happy with. It's a part of life. Not forgiving them hurts me more than it does them.

I'm going to miss my best friend. I know we'll still talk and see each other every once in awhile. But I also know it won't be as frequent. We will both get caught up in life and the business of it all. But she'll always be my best friend. No matter how many people come and go.

152/365

I did my eyebrows tonight. To most, this is probably something they do often. Not for me. I used to keep up with that kind of stuff, like this summer for instance. But school started, and so did a million issues. With those issues, I stopped caring. I felt like I was losing everything, like life was spinning out of control. But tonight I made that effort. I did my eyebrows. It's a small step, but it's a step nonetheless. It's been hard to find my way out of the rubble. It's been much too easy to sit amongst it and complain. But I refuse to do that any longer. It's time to rebuild, to reconnect, to get off my lazy butt and make something of myself. I know it's not easy, trust me, being a stranger suddenly in a school you've felt comfortable in for years, is weird. It's terrifying. It's miserable. So I'm working on building relationships and friendships with those I've been surrounded by for 6 years. Because ultimately, this is my senior year, this is my senior class, and like it or not, I'm stuck there.

143/365

Dear....

ALL OF YOU WHO ARE NOT AT SCHOOL WITH ME RIGHT NOW

I miss you.

136/365

My first full day without my best friends. Sure, last friday they weren't at school, but I wasn't there until lunch, and then only had three classes. It felt more like they were sick. But not today. Today the emptiness was very much so there. You don't know how much you depend on your friends, until they're taken away. But let me tell you, it sucks.

88/365

So I am officially getting a border collie puppy on Sunday :) I cannot wait! He's 7 weeks old...and sadly still nameless. BUT I'm so ridiculously happy about it.



Such a cute baby.


I also got to hangout with my bestfriend for the FIRST time this summer. Kind of ridiculous. But we took cute pictures and had lots of fun :)



A good day of summer. :)

69/365

This is my best friend



We've been to two different countries with each other





Guatemala and Russia.

We've been told we look the same...



But we don't really think so.

We fight. We make each other cry. We get mad. But no matter what, She'll always and forever be my best friend.

64/365

There a million things I've learned this summer, some are small and mostly irrelevant, others are not. I've learned that just because someone might carry the label "friend" does not mean they are one. I've learned that ultimately family is much more important than friends, and that when people say friends are essential, they are wrong. Family is essential. The members in my family are my best friends. Because no matter what I do, say, or don't do, they will ALWAYS love me, ALWAYS be there for me, and NOT post comments on facebook obviously referring to me. :)

Example:

A: I miss old times with all the girls.
A: Well some :p
B: hahahaha I know exactly what you mean.

(and blah blah blah)

But thankfully, in all my lovely lessons learned this summer, I've learned that I don't need people like I think I do. I've learned I'm okay with just being ME. My family has extended a lot in the past year, I have now have three sisters, instead of just one. I have one ultimate mom figure, but another that treats me as her daughter. I have a nephew, whom I love dearly, and I have a boyfriend who has helped me get through all my tears. That family, are the people I want and need most in my life. Those people are the ones I can't do without.

Last night Drex and I drove out to Eagle River to hang out with Emily. We got Caden an exersaucer



which he obviously loves. (Actually I bought Caden the excersaucer cus I love him more than anything!) I got to read him his bedtime story, and change his diaper, and help put him to bed :) Then we just hung out and talked to Emily about basically everything for a few hours.

I also forgot to mention Drex and I celebrated our 14 months a few days ago! We made quite the painting



I love my boyfriend so much :)

61/365

Overbooked...

So today was jam packed with a long list of things to do. Getting home at 4am and then waking up at 8am didn't exactly help either. We had Caden again today, probably not a wise decision on MY part, but we couldn't really change it either. Then cake delivery at 11am, lunch with Emily at 11:50am til 12:30pm, guests arriving at 1pm...I'm surprised we made it through the day honestly! Also with all the stuff to do Caden didn't get a nap which meant a VERY fussy baby for us. SO stressful.

Loosie's cake turned out wonderful



She was very happy to eat it...



Rachel and Jordan practiced their parenting skills



and then we made the lovely journey to...well Journeys in the 5th Ave mall for me to do some paperwork which took much to long but it's okay because I officially start their the 12th of July and managed to get Drex's birthday off :)
(and found out I'm NOT taking a paycut, and can wear jeans! WHOO!)

From there we decided we were all STARVING so we split up (Rach in my car, Jordan in Drex's) and ventured to Mooses Tooth. (And Rach and I only got a tiny bit lost!) We waited for an hour, which ended up being okay cus it was pretty outside and we got to just chat, and then ate some delicious food, and of course took a picture in the bathroom.



Drex and I also made a new rule for each other...it's called the 'No cellphone rule unless I am at work, or anyone not near him' And when we ARE together we switch cell phones so neither of us can be super distracted. This is mostly for me, since I have a recent addiction to checking Facebook every 5 seconds on my phone, which ultimately leads to me ignoring him, and him getting upset, and not saying anything, which slowly but surely causes division in our relationship.

*note this is only for apps and does not include taking calls or texting haha we still get to communicate with other people :)

59/365

So Drex and I along with the rest of the world...will be sitting in a theater tomorrow night/Wednesday morning to see the premier of Twilight: Eclipse. My childhood best friend, and still present day friend, Emma will be coming with us :)

Of course to celebrate such an occasion, I went to Michaels and purchased over 30 dollars worth of t-shirt making materials! I have made a lot of T-shirts in my lifetime, but with these I decided to invest in some stencils to make the whole thing a lot easier.



Not perfect but pretty good for the fact that I rushed through it, and did all of this while watching a movie :) I actually quite like how they came out, though If I had had more time I definitely would have added more. Oh well :)

Anyways, I'm pretty excited for tomorrow night...lots of pictures! Yay :) Speaking of which....I should go charge my camera! Night!

58/365

It's raining, It's pouring...

It decided to rain today. Sadly, when it rains in Alaska, it rains all day. That's one thing I love about the Lower 48, the rain is hard, loud, and over quickly! Drex and I took our chances and walked around the Sunday Market, a very wet experience...

The rest of the day was relaxing...came home and napped for a few hours (I was exhausted for reasons unknown to me!) and then played with the dogs.

Later in the evening Drex and I met up with Rachel and Jordan and had some dinner at Red Robin. As usual the food was delicious, and the drinks were bottomless. Something you just HAVE to take advantage of when dining there. Hanging out and talking to them was a lot of fun. I also really like Jordan, he's quiet, but only because he doesn't find the need to talk for no reason other than talking (a lot like Drex) but he's really nice, and Rachel and Him get along very well :)

I had to use my awesome convincing tactics to get Rachel to take a picture with me.



After the lovely photography, I saw one of those Photo Booth type things and got really excited and convinced Drex to do one with me. (He wasn't exactly thrilled by any means)



We eventually came back home, and nestled into bed to watch Green Zone (semi-boring movie with Matt Damon in it). I've been having these weird fears of a giant earthquake hitting Alaska...and the thought scares the living hell out of me. So tonight I get Loosie, because obviously furry little puppies make everything so much better :)



(plus I hear dogs can sense earthquakes coming? I'm hoping she'll let me know!)

47/365

Reconnecting with the past....

Today I got to hangout with my childhood best friend. I got to show her my puppies, my room, tell her stories, and give her a look into my life. The funny thing is...we're still the same as we were in first grade, second grade, and all the way up to sixth. I'm loud, she's not as loud. She's short, I'm not as short. I laughed hysterically with her. Something I don't find myself doing easily as I've gotten older. We were able to sit down on my bed and just talk. Talk like we hadn't been out of touch for over a year. I think that's something so great about the friends you make as a child. They're the friends that you may never talk to and yet will always understand you.

28/365

I remember when my parents were leaving our old church. The whole situation was a mess but I often remember how my parents used that to talk to my sister and I about leaving our 'comfort zones'. I suppose I never understood that to it's fullest. I also remember how rumors were spread, and old friends believed them and began to talk meanly about our family. I never understood how disturbed they must have felt, or the way that affected them in their daily routine. Neither of these things became a reality to me until now. This time however, it is not my family but me, and it is not a church, but friends.

I have been hesitant to write about this. Mostly because I do my best to not let it myself think about it. But it haunts me. I dream about it every night, I do not sleep soundly. I get this sick twisted feeling in my stomach, and I want to throw up. I want my name to be cleared. I want people to believe me, to realize I'm not the bad guy here, I don't deserve that label. I cannot look at my phone without fear of a nasty text, I can't answer without fear of being screamed at. And yet I know...I did nothing.

I long for the comfort of my bed, the lick of my puppy. But these things are not available to me. I need to relax and stop being so stressed. It's the impossible task. I know I am growing and learning and for that I am truly thankful. I wish I could make my anxiety disappear but sadly I know that healing takes time. So instead I love and live. I embrace every moment and know that someday I will look back and tell my children about this. I will watch them like my own mother watches me. I will hurt as they hurt and smile as they smile. I will share in their dreams, their laughs, and their tears. I will tell them they are being molded into the man or woman God wants them to be. But until then...I will listen to my own mother tell me this and I will do my best to believe her.