This blog is like my personal journal. I would like to just say that. These are my thoughts, my deepest angers. I needed a place to vent, and my poor family and boyfriend have heard just about enough. So i chose to do so on here.
As this school year has continued and now just about come to its end, I have noticed myself become a lot less tolerable of friends. Most people would tell you, or anyone else for that matter; "It's cus she has a boyfriend. She just doesn't care about us anymore, just him." And all other sorts of crap. However I'd like to say something...I don't like to hangout with you, because you're fake. He's real. He's enjoyable to be around. He makes me laugh, but also doesn't let me go crazy. He encourages me in the areas in which i need encouragement, and discourages me when he knows I'm messing up. He cares.
See the problem with this whole 'about to be seniors thing' and 'summer before senior year' is that everyone looks at it like "lets go get shit-faced. Lets go party it up. Boyfriends are stupid. Lets go have sex with everyone instead." When really honestly truly, wouldn't you much rather have a boyfriend that loves you and would do literally anything for you? EVEN IF Drex and I break up at some point, I will not regret the fact that I spend 99.9% of my time with him. I will not regret that I withheld things from others but told him everything. I will not regret it because He has stood by me for a year, loved me for a year, taken care of me for a year, and listened to me bitch and whine for a year. What more could I ask for?
I have felt myself draw away from my friends, but it is purposefully, not accidentally. Of the four of my closest friends, there is only three that i miss. But the problem is, is that the one that chooses to judge everyone, the one that has chosen to go crazy, is the one i cannot be around.
There is a question that has been haunting me lately: Who are you living for? My answer would be Drex. As wrong and sinful as that is, it's the answer i have right now. But i'm working to change that. I do not want to live for the world nor do i want to live for the things in this world. I want my light to shine, I want to do something meaningful, I do not want to be caught up in high school drama, or things that are considered fun now. I want to have meaning and purpose to my life. Something more than doing something stupid every now and then, or going on a perfect date.
I have seen myself fall and be helpless to get up. I have made my mistakes in summers past, and even this past year. I have done everything wrong. I have put idols in the place of my Savior. But it's time to tear those down. To make this summer count. To grow in ways i have never grown, to see the beauty in people, to appreciate family. To do the things that honor not only myself, and family, but my creator who has had such mercy on me. I'm ready, So bring it on. Bring on the gossip, the crap you have to say about me, bring on the sarcastic comments, bring on the judgment. You will not break me, because i refuse to be broken.
"I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.
Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go"
-Let it go by Tenth Avenue North
Destinee Natalia Donadio: I love you. This is not to you. :)
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